Mar 19, 2022
My Bad Date Chronicles Pt 6

My Bad Date Chronicles Pt 6

A little humor in the mix

A little humor in the mix

There are different types of Dates : People you like who don't like you, People who are amazing but you feel no connection, and then the infamous BAD DATE. Once in a Blue Moon there's the perfect Date but it’s rare. Unfortunately, there are more Bad Dates than good but they are great for laughs with friends so let’s have some fun!

Comment with your own stories, I'm sure we've all been there and you aren't alone. (Some people will use this chance to be mean, but please be nice. This is all in good fun.)

Warning: My nicknames for the guys don't reflect EVERYONE in that profession, just this ONE person in that profession.


The Computer Geek: After the freak DJ, I embraced my inner geek. I'm into computer games, some graphic novels, and can spend hours on YouTube or Google looking up random things that cross my mind. Anything from "Who is Pinhead from Hellraiser" to "Why is it Davey Jones Locker? Who is Davey Jones?" and "the history of gnomes" lol. I don't know! But the point is I can geek out for hours! This guy, on his dating profile, says he makes 250K a year (not necessary to be rich but good for you), he's slightly taller than me (plus), thin, pale, brown hair and slightly balding (that’s okay!). He's got to be interested right? We can talk computers and did you know there is an urban legend that Bill Gates once got into with General Motors? Its hysterical! Look up. (Again, not a true story, just a joke but hilarious!) Onto my guy!

The Date: They say women can tell within a few seconds if they want to have sex with the other person or not. My radar instantly came in strong with not-a-chance-in-hell reading BUT I believe anything can be changed by personality. I met hot guys that were horrible people and didn't want to have sex with them. I also knew guys I thought were initially unattractive but after chatting, I would totally date them and get into a relationship! There is hope!

"I have an idea for an app" he said.

"Okay, tell me about it" I am genuinely interested! I like creativity!

"It’s like a shuffler and it comes up with discussion topics." 

I thought about it. That was logical and useful.

"I can see that working. I know there's a game like that. Its popsicle sticks with questions and you have to answer the question. It’s fun! We played it at a business luncheon."

"I brought a list of topics". He was so cute! He pulled out this piece of paper he had torn from somewhere and had scribbles on it that were numbered! So adorable and so sweet!

"Okay, what’s next on your list" I asked. We had talked about quite a bit but nothing was turning into conversation. It was all just short sentences. I wanted to make a connection.

"We covered everything."

"Okay, what would put in your app for us to talk about next?"

"That’s the point of the app. It would tell you."

"Okay. I thought you'd like pre-program it with some ideas." This was fading fast.

"I had other ideas but they didn't pan out."

"Oh yea? Like what?"

"Well," and this is where it started to go downhill. "If I see someone’s handwriting, I can tell you who wrote it."

Pause: Remember how I'm a dork? I have literally spent TONS of money into handwriting/personality analysis books and the conclusion? It's a lot of BS! Let me clarify. If you write "The sky is blue", I cannot look at you’re handwriting and tell "it’s a guy who has mother problems and is antisocial". That part is BS. I can look at that sentence and look at a letter and say "the A's were written the same". I can read a letter and say "hm he used this lingo which was popular in the 70s". Those things are possible but knowing your personality, sex, defects and drawing a conclusion that you hate your dad because you pressed down hard when you wrote and scribbled outside the lines? No no.

"So, you’re telling me" I inquired "that I could grab a random person in this restaurant, have them write something like 'I like the color blue' and you could tell me who did it?"

"Yea" he said excitedly. Okay. My cute genius dork when to moron.

"That’s interesting because I think some of the greatest forensic minds can't do that."

"I know. I tried to go to the FBI Building with my algorithms and they didn't listen." 

"Maybe I'm misunderstanding you" I'm giving you a way-out buddy, take it before I make you look dumb! "So, what exactly can you tell from looking at a piece of paper that says 'I like the color blue'?"
"I can tell you exactly who did it. I can tell male or female, age, personality and tell you exactly who did it." NOPE!

"Okay" I keep going because, for some reason, I can't let this little lie slide. I have to bring it on home. "So, tell me how this works."

"Well, I can't really explain it."

"Uh huh... but you explained it to the FBI?"


"And they weren't interested?"

"So if you could explain it to them, you can explain it to me." If his mind were a machine, caution and warning lights should be going off everywhere. There is a lot I do not know, but what I do know, I know for a fact. He hit my BS Radar and I starting to go on the attack.

"Well, it’s just something I do by looking at it."

"So how could you explain it to them but you can't explain it to me?"

"I can prove it!"

"Okay. Challenge excepted. Let me find some handwriting and you tell me who did it."

"Okay" he said cheerfully. 

In my head the Angel is screaming 'stop Corey! Do you really need to? Your being such a B***. Maybe he was just trying to impress you. You don't have to go full force at people!' but the devil is just a little louder with 'are ya freakin kidding me? This dude is so FULL of it! Who does he think he's tricking? And how does he make 250K when I'm smarter than he is!' Needless to say, the Devil won this round! I already know where to go. I googled "JonBenet Ramsey ransom note image". It's unsolved, he has a chance.

"Okay, look at this and tell me about them."

"Okay." He zooms in on the image. I can't believe he's doing this.

"Well, they have friends... and like to hang out a lot... but are anti-social sometimes..." Yea, that’s everyone from extroverts to introverts.

"They have a lot of interests..." he continues, another thing that describes everyone in the entire world! "They sometimes question faith and not sure if they believe or not in God..." Who hasn't questioned their faith at times?

"OKAY!" I'm quickly losing patience. "You’re not telling me anything that isn't true for everyone AND you’re contradicting yourself. YOU said you would know EXACTLY who this is. You can't even tell me if it’s a guy or girl! You somehow explained this to the FBI but can't explain it to me? This stuff can't be done. People who are smarter than both of us have tried and it’s not possible!" He kept studying, then I saw him click on "Website"

"OH, this is JonBenet Ramsey?"

"AND you had to look. So, you COULDN"T tell me anything from JUST looking at the letter and NOW that you know you STILL can't tell me who the killer is, can you?"

"Let me try again!"

Patience gone! I know exactly where to look! Ever watch that show on Netflix called Ripper? Ironic that they named it that because that was their biggest mistake in the case. They had a serial killer, assumed he was copying Jack the Ripper and started to look for Jack the Ripper. They couldn't find him and asked the US to step in. We did and once we took the "Ripper" part out and just looked at what he was doing, we developed a profile and caught the guy. His full nickname is the Yorkshire Ripper AND he has super girly handwriting with spirals. Google Image search. Peter Sutcliffe note. Download. Photos. Click. Locked and Loaded, I am going in for the k*** sho*!

"Look at this photo NOT attached to a website. Describe them. Male or Female?"

He studies the photo.

"BEEEEEEP!!!" My best attempt at a buzzer noise. "WRONG! Male. Go on. What age?"


"BEEEEPP!! Middle aged. Try again! Still think your little thing can work?" I am aggressive and there is no bringing me back. "Relationships?"

"A lot of short relationships..."


"Never married. He can't make a marriage work."

"BEEEPP!!! Married for 20 years! NOW are you ready to admit your full of sh**! ADMIT IT!" Looking back, I am possessed!

"Nice guy to women, or no?"

"Would never hurt a woman" he says for certain.

"BEEPP!!! Serial Killah! Beats them, kills them, rapes them, stomps on them, and stuffs them with fish! CHECK... MATE!" I throw my hands up in the air! "K!..O!.."

"Okay! Well it works when I have it in person and the person is in the room."

"Try not to bullshit me again."

Needless to say conversation went back to short sentences and I think we both agreed a 2nd date wasn't needed. If all guys are like that, I will die single and smart.

K... O... Mic drop.

Then the friend phone call.

"So, how’d it go?"

"Not good."

"What did you do?!"

"OMG! IT WASN'T MY FAULT! He tried to BS me and I called him on it!"

My friend laughed "oh man... you couldn't just let it go and ignore it?"

"I tried but I had to do it! It was such sh**! You wouldn't believe what he tried to say!"

"Oh jeez"

"I can it! I can hear your rolling your eyes at me" I say.